Guys Night Out!

The last few wintry months have been spent in cozy, solitary, hermity splendor with my little panda bear face muffin lips legs, but tonight I'm breaking out of my shell/cage/fortress of solitude for a GUYS NIGHT OUT! What does that entail? Lots of unnecessary and bizarrely elaborate handshakes and high fives, slurred and teary eyed remembrances of last month's Super Bowl win (in which we will all claim to have played a vital role in/predicted the outcome of/not sat nervously through with Terrible Towels covering our eyes so our girlfriends/mothers/fiancees wouldn't see us weeping) several games of darts, lots of beers, and some disgusting food that will taste delicious despite being made by someone who doesn't wash their hands (which is not a big deal if that person also does not wipe their butt, if you think about it.) Speaking of not washing your hands, I have launched my newest blog venture, devoted entirely to recipes and videos of me cooking things. And drinking like a champion. Check it out!

The weather is unseasonably warm here in the 'burgh today, so I think I will make the ultimate bro move and ride my bike to the bar like a loser/awesome person. Little Mermanda is going out for Ladies Night, so I really feel obligated to devote my night to as much bromance as possible.

That's all for me, hope everyone has a great weekend and has sex with everybody. Responsibly.

Midnight Madness, Mofos!

Well, I guess it's official. I am now a very serious loser blogger just like everybody else! I met some other giant creeps bloggers over the weekend and I don't know if it was the incessant(ly boring) blog talk, the mojitos, or all the weird penis pictures at Buca di Beppo, but I realized that I have something to share with the world. And it's not my penis. Well, it sort of is, but not here. I'm talking - of course - about a blog. It looks like I will keep up The Barnacle Chronicles as something more than just a way to make fun of my roommate, Mermanda.

I don't know what it will be about yet, but it will probably be about as much fun as you can have while sitting in front of your computer and reading. Yeah, that really sounds shitty. Okay, I guess I'll try to make it better than that. I'll try this again. Eh hem. I don't know what it will be about yet, but it will probably be about as much fun as skipping school/work/masturbating to internet porn and crying softly (or whatever you do all day) to go on a magical journey to a secret dimension where it rains beer and everybody smiles and likes you, and you get to wear whatever you want and uh, there's like a rainbow and shit, oh and pretty much every food you like just grows on trees and also for some reason people just give you money all day, which is weird because you don't even need money in this dimension because everything is free and you're the boss anyway of totally everything, and then at the end of the day you smash open a pinata shaped like a giant boob and gold comes out. Gold that blows you. Okay, I guess this is unlikely to be quite that fun. Let's not get weird.

Anyway, to celebrate my decision, I had a special Live Midnight Madness Mofo Giveaway on Saturday night. Or Sunday morning. Whatever it was, it was very exclusive. The prize was several sheets of return address labels, in homage to (and some would say brilliant mockery of) my aforementioned roommate's contest. The lucky winner was Maxie, and I actually kind of forget why she won, but she totally did, and now she totally has a bunch of my return address labels. I think she may have been the only one in the room not engaged to me, and thus the winner. Unfortunately for both of us, they already have my return address on them. However, this can be used to exploit the classic PTAYWTMSTATRAADPASOIATIITM postal scam (that's "put the address you want to mail something to as the return address and don't put any stamps on it and throw it in the mail" for those not in the know. Although you probably shouldn't do that, kids. WINK! HA! You should definitely do that.

Now, to celebrate my first giveaway thing, I have a second giveaway thing. It is actually sort of a collector's item. It is a very fine black coat. Longer-ish. AND IT WAS ONCE WORN BY A FAMOUS BLOGGER. HOLY SMOKES! The rules for the giveaway are pretty simple. Write me a short essay about why you think you should have this coat, and if you are named Deutlich and include your address in your essay, you win! Victory will taste so sweet! And keep you so warm.

Blog Not For Sale!

After some careful thinking (and several very lucrative offers from soulless media conglomerates) I've decided that I'll be damned if I let this noble blog fall into the wrinkly old hands and balls of Rupert Murdoch and become just another gilded feather in his weird old hat made of money. You heard me, I won't be taken hostage by corporate greed and artistic sloth. *And/or any of the other supposedly deadly sins that I can think of. Gout. I think gout is one of them.

Anyway, I've decided to accept my offer of staying on to run things here at The Chronic', and by tomorrow we should be back to business as usual. Which, of course means providing sensible counterpoint to the lunacy that passes for blogging over at Cusp of Bore-mal. I'm here to help, folks.

(I love you honey bunny.)

Blog for Sale!

Looking back on the many happy minutes I've spent running The Barnacle Chronicles, it is with a heavy heart that I must announce that the site is up for sale! It simply isn't generating the income I expected. When bidding, please take into account the near rhymey-ness of the title, and the colorful dots that are just everywhere on this thing. Also, I am willing to include the picture of Amanda at Long John Silver's for no additional charge. Let the bidding begin!

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